The day after crazy

Yesterday ended much better than it began. I was able to get the project finished with the help of my oh-so-understanding coworker, who also let me vent and helped calm me down. I took 100mg of zoloft and spent the rest of the day recovering. My sister-in-law came by to give me great hugs, and I spent the evening doing some chores and watching TV. I found out that I can self-refer to anyone I want for "women's health issues," and I do have refills on my prescription, but she wrote it as "PRN x 1 year," so the system doesn't know how to put a number on that. But I DO have refills.

Now I'm sitting at my desk and contemplating yesterday's emotional roller coaster. It seems like a bad dream, like it happened to someone else... I can't believe I reacted like that — and yet, at the time, it seemed entirely reasonable.

That's what it's like having PMDD; you don't know that your emotions are out of control because every little thing seems like a boulder instead of a pebble. It's like in that episode of Firefly, when Simon Tam says that River's amygdala has been stripped, and "she feels everything — she can't not."

Speaking of the amygdala, this article says that

Recently, a variation in the ESR1 gene, which codes for an estrogen receptor, was found to distinguish women with PMDD from women without it (Psychiatric News, August 17). ...it's possible... that PMDD could be due to a surge in progesterone exciting the amygdala and then to the prefrontal cortex not being able to halt the excitement due to altered estrogen sensitivity.

Interesting that they have actually found genetic evidence that proves that some are more sensitive to estrogen, and that there really is a difference between women with PMDD and women without. It's not just that I "can't deal" — it is a real problem.

But mostly I'm just amazed to think back on yesterday from the perspective of today. Yesterday I was hopeless, frightened, despondent, and angry. Today I feel perfectly normal.

Crazy.